Motivated to be unmotivated.

It’s amazing how one short sentence can make someone feel so unmotivated.

It’s also amazing that motivation and discouragement can sometimes lead to the same result.

But what’s more amazing is how encouragement can result in becoming discouraged.

I’ve been really unmotivated lately thanks to homework, but it’s not necessarily the homework in general.

The reason homework has been making me so unmotivated is due to the amount of it, how it’s set out and how we are given it. Homework over the holidays especially, I do understand stuff like preparation for the next topic, but half of what I’ve gotten as holiday homework is just bloody revision.

My motivation is then also made worse with the continual talk about achieving a good ATAR in year 12 to go to a good college. All year 12 seems to be is this huge competition that if you don’t do well in you won’t have a decent life. And it’s just one of those things that really makes me feel like everyone feels like I’m just an inexperienced child. As much as I yearn to still be a ‘child’, I am not. I don’t need an ATAR at all. If I go and do my best, achieving a high ATAR, then a few or probably more people will miss out on a higher ATAR. The more I hear about it, the less I want to do year 12 and the more I want to just drop out.

And then people would be wondering why I am even in school if I don’t want to get an ATAR. I am in school to learn. That is it. I don’t give a shit about an ATAR, the results from tests and exams are almost fucking meaningless to me. All I care about is what I did wrong or could have done better, learning from those mistakes. Achieving a high ATAR to gain a decent job will be someone else’s dream.

Having to come up with ideas to write, draw or make a video on, it requires a lot of motivation, unlike with homework where I can just use my will power to ‘solve’ each question. And I just wish, so fucking badly, that I was able to just wake up and be motivated enough to do it.

I’ll be trying me best to boost my motivation and get back into writing and making videos. However, my next term will be starting soon meaning I will be getting lots of new work so I will try to manage my time best I can.

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